Quote – “I had male and female friends who, though conflicted about their own sexual volition, wanted to have sex and were happy when it happened, even though they had not consented and in some cases protested.”
I finally see the piece of the puzzle I’ve been missing all this time. When I was a young teen and in my first “real” relationship, consent wasn’t even possible because consenting marked you as evil and everyone knew it.
So even if I had wanted to have sex with my boyfriend I would have still responded with “no.”
Sad to say, I was with someone who didn’t really care whether I actually wanted to or not, and my real and confused protests and rejection of his demands didn’t have much effect on his decision to go ahead with it anyway … but the idea of consent wasn’t on the table for either of us, and I couldn’t tell the difference.
I thought I must want sex, because I had been curious, so I accepted equal blame just as if I had consented, even though my real reaction to the whole series of events was gut-wrenching grief, a feeling that I couldn’t escape, and despair.
Marrying him didn’t fix this dynamic AT ALL.
See the link to the full article below.
“If your partner communicates ambivalence, resistance, and regret, yet you know that they want to have sex with you, it is not what ‘everyone’ does. You are either misreading them and committing rape, or you are having sex with someone who is unable or unwilling to communicate consent. You need to talk it through and learn to communicate unambiguously, or you need to run like hell.”
“If you are on the other side of that dynamic — if you are expressing ambivalence or resistance because you don’t want to think of yourself as someone who engages in premarital sex — you need to stop. Now. Either your partner is confused and uncertain and will not understand “no” when you need them to, or you are with someone who does not care — someone who is willing to rape you if they want sex and you do not.”
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